Stitches in the Attic

The past week has woken me to an interesting new problem: I need another coloured square for my patchwork. If white is those days where I literally do nothing and grey is those days where I drift along, look after myself physically but do nothing of importance to me and coloured squares are for days when I do the things I wanted to, I need another specific colour. I need a colour for days that are essentially the opposite of grey days. I need a colour for the days where I get so fixated on one thing that everything else vanishes and I forget the mundane things that I meant to do. A colour for days when perhaps I didn’t leave my bed, but I achieved so much while snuggled beneath my covers. White is the wrong colour for those days because I have done something, I have just neglected myself physically and socially in the process. I think those days will be red days. Because they are good, they just aren’t sustainable.

I have been sitting in my corner of the attic with my sewing machine. For the first time in three years I hyper-focused. The fear, the commitments, the time of day, everything vanished because I had a ragdoll faery I was making and a story to listen to. I felt like the ten-year-old child I once was had been resurrected. I didn’t think that I could do that anymore. I was beginning to believe that being able to focus to the expense of everything else was something I had dreamed up. That it was something I had never really been able to do, that my memories were rose tinted. It is real though and when I am hyper-focused, it is less that the snow globe disappears and more that I simply lose awareness of it.

Of course, it would have been convenient if I could tap into hyper focus whenever I so chose and channelled it into Chemistry, but now at least I can hope that one day I will. For the last few days something has mattered not because it should matter, not because I want it to matter, it has quite simply just mattered. I have been invested in it without any kind of barrier. I am coming out of the dark. 

One thought on “Stitches in the Attic

  1. Fantastic doesn't even come close in describing how brilliant that news is! (close to?)
    It must mean that you have passion once more – the chemistry remark made me laugh, loud and long…
    When you are feeling passionate about Chemistry I'm sure hyper focus will come – for now it's enough that it came for the faery. You're alive. Huzzah. I love that. Positive writing rocks and so do you xxx


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