It’s funny, this week has found me once again huddled under my blanket in that familiar corner of the library; it’s been a reminder that there is still a dark cloud blowing over my brain. Yet it’s been possibly the sharpest reminder yet of just how far out of the dark I have come. Even as I curled in on myself, read and slept away my days, the glass surrounding the snow globe as impenetrable as ever, that wasn’t all I did. Lacking in energy as I have been these past few days, there have still been moments where I have got up, left the library – though still in my blanket – and got things done. I have been outside. I have applied for a job for September. I’ve been able to read my science magasines. I have even done some Biochemistry. Not so long ago a week like this would have meant doing nothing at all. Leaving the house would have been as good as it got.
It hasn’t been a good week. I’ve felt tired and heavy. There are a lot of things left undone. That is not the point. The point is that even though this weeks’ patchwork squares are more black and white than colour, the bar for ‘bare minimum effort’ has moved. It has moved enough that I can go back to university confident that even if I do have a bad day or even a bad week, I will still at the very least be able to go to lectures. I will still get something out of those days instead of just a sense of wasted time. I am learning – still learning – to give myself a break when I feel like this. To not feel like I’m having to play catch up for the time I’ve spent catching up on sleep. I do have good days now and when I have good days, I can do more than I thought. So when there are days when just looking at printed words makes my eyes blur, I can let it go because the words will still be there tomorrow and tomorrow might be a better day.
Without the dark, how can you appreciate the light?