Memories of Glass

The snow globe is different now. The glass is no longer opaque, much of the time it’s merely an illusion, one that will disappear if touched. There are still days when the glass keeps me trapped, but more often now, I trap myself in the memory of glass. I tread familiar paths around the edges of the snow globe because they’re well worn. Safe. Easy. On the days when the glass is an illusion, it’s only my fear of pushing against it that keeps me stuck.

Change doesn’t come easily to me, the familiar is safe, even if it isn’t what I need. Breaking patterns of behaviour is difficult, but it’s worth it for the moments I realise I’m out of the snow globe. The moments I feel real. The snow globe will always be here, it’s the walls my mind puts up when it feels threatened. It’s a safe numb place. It’s now longer the dark landscape it once was, my library is there as a work in progress, the woodlands stretch around it and the weather is warm more often than not. Luna, the person I am inside my head is here. Now she’s not only inside my head, sometimes, when I break through the walls of the snow globe, she’s me. Most of the time the only thing between us is a remembered glass wall.

In a lot of ways my room is the physical manifestation of my snow globe. It’s the place I go when I want to hide from the world. It’s hard to focus or be creative in there. It’s the place I sleep, the place I daydream, the place I shutdown. Getting out of my room and making a connection with another human being helps me get out of my head. I need to remember that’s the key to getting out of the snow globe. I need to remember most of the time those walls aren’t real, in acting like they are, I’m giving them power.

Dear Anxiety

 

I wasn’t sure about putting this up. It’s not a wander through the snow globe. It’s something I wrote while the glass was frosted up and I was ready to turn my back to it hide. I was tired and running away from scary things has always been my preferred method.

Dear Anxiety,

How many things do you get to take before I say no? How much of me do you get to erase, to steal, to break, before I stand up to you?

You are not stronger than I am. You do not get to silence every positive thought and every aspiration I have. You don’t get to drown me out, because I will learn to master every one of the tricks you through at me. I will find new ways of balancing. I will find a way around you. I will not drown. I will not sink and wait for someone to pull me out. I am stronger than I was. I am stronger than you will ever be. Eventually you will run out of curveballs to throw. But I won’t. I have more imagination than you do. I will not let you take any more from me. I will learn to regroup quicker. I will learn to strategize more thoroughly.

I am more than you. I am not just a body for you to inhabit. I am not your puppet. I will get up, every time you knock me down. You don’t get to flatten my thoughts, put my dreams into greyscale or silence my emotions. I don’t have to lie back and listen to your narrative of what makes life easy.

I won’t let you take any more. These thoughts are mine. This life is mine. You don’t make the rules. I do. I do and I am telling you no. I’m telling you I won’t give up. I will find a way around this. I won’t give up this placement. I will find a way to make the next placement easier. I will pass my driving test. I will get my brown belt. I will write a novel. I will stand up for myself. I will make puppets with Pearl. I will finish this degree. I will be a nurse. I will travel the world. I will live independently. You can’t stop me. I won’t let you.

Robin