Dear Anxiety

 

I wasn’t sure about putting this up. It’s not a wander through the snow globe. It’s something I wrote while the glass was frosted up and I was ready to turn my back to it hide. I was tired and running away from scary things has always been my preferred method.

Dear Anxiety,

How many things do you get to take before I say no? How much of me do you get to erase, to steal, to break, before I stand up to you?

You are not stronger than I am. You do not get to silence every positive thought and every aspiration I have. You don’t get to drown me out, because I will learn to master every one of the tricks you through at me. I will find new ways of balancing. I will find a way around you. I will not drown. I will not sink and wait for someone to pull me out. I am stronger than I was. I am stronger than you will ever be. Eventually you will run out of curveballs to throw. But I won’t. I have more imagination than you do. I will not let you take any more from me. I will learn to regroup quicker. I will learn to strategize more thoroughly.

I am more than you. I am not just a body for you to inhabit. I am not your puppet. I will get up, every time you knock me down. You don’t get to flatten my thoughts, put my dreams into greyscale or silence my emotions. I don’t have to lie back and listen to your narrative of what makes life easy.

I won’t let you take any more. These thoughts are mine. This life is mine. You don’t make the rules. I do. I do and I am telling you no. I’m telling you I won’t give up. I will find a way around this. I won’t give up this placement. I will find a way to make the next placement easier. I will pass my driving test. I will get my brown belt. I will write a novel. I will stand up for myself. I will make puppets with Pearl. I will finish this degree. I will be a nurse. I will travel the world. I will live independently. You can’t stop me. I won’t let you.

Robin

2 thoughts on “Dear Anxiety

  1. Dear Robin,

    You will do all you wish and more, your determination and drive will see to that without a doubt.
    You see me as an annoyance, an unseen shackle around you holding you back, but that is not who I am. I am your protector, the one who is so afraid of everything I seek to shield you from the world’s stresses and dangers. I’ve gone too far, I know, and in seeking to guard you I have stifled you, and made you hate me. We are currently locked in a world where the more you resist my protection the more I seek to protect you.
    What if you let me in, you notice me, you thank me for looking out for you, but tell me you don’t need my help on this occasion. Perhaps in acknowledging my intentions were good we can become friends once again, and I will become less debilitating in time, you can’t change me – but you can change your reaction to me.

    Anxiety

    (Keep your chin up Robin, you’re doing good, and you will achieve your dreams xx from an anxious Mum of another student nurse )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for that perspective! I think what I need is to have boundaries with it, because there have been times where things have gone to far the other way and anxiety has been a ‘friend’ which I’ve used as an excuse to shut off from everything. I think I need to find a balance where I can acknowledge anxiety as something that’s there without hating it, that will back off when I need it to.

      Liked by 1 person

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